Roast Chicken 101

I stood in the Le Creuset store and marvelled at all the colour options. I wanted to buy everything. But again, that damned voice of reason screamed at me.
Me: "What is the best thing to buy for someone who is completely retarded when it comes to cooking?"
Saleslady: "A roasting pan. You put the food in it and stick it in the oven, that's all!"
Me: "That sounds super easy, I can definitely manage that! One roasting pan please"

Fast forward to the night before the big cooking debut. I decided to be really organised and whipped out my recipe books (I bought them last year, apparently I was on some mission to learn how to cook). My friend Hidie (who is probably the best cook I know) swears by The Complete South African Cookbook by Magdaleen van Wyk. The book was first published in the 70's so there are so frills, just plain black text with basic sketches, the cover really is no indication of the inside - speaking of which, is that pile of food supposed to be the most South African meal they could come up with?

Of course I also had to have a Greek cookbook. I chose this one because it is more like a storybook of Greece and food, with recipes casually thrown in. Very glossy, very pretty.

I searched for the Roast Chicken recipes. The first book said 'cook for 2 - 3 hours', so did the second one. WTF?? it's either 2 hours or it's 3 hours, or it's 2 and a half hours, or 2 hours and 45 minutes. For this cooking story to work I need EXACT instructions. People have been cooking since the discovery of fire, how is this not an exact science yet??

The Greek book has less steps and less ingredients. Greece - 1, South Africa - 0.

The next day, armed with two conflicting recipe books and a not-so-higher-grade diagram from a friend, I was making roast chicken!

Apparently I needed a diagram to understand this. Ye of little faith!

The recipe book said I needed 1.5kgs of potatoes. Of course I added way more, and of course it still wasn't enough. Hungry Greeks. I was thrilled to put my new roasting pan and not-new-but-never-been-used-before scale to use (why I have this stuff I don't know!)

Of course it's pink

A good tip I got from a friend was to cut a lemon and an onion into quarters and stuff them into the chicken. Let me tell you, sticking my hand inside a dead chicken's bum was nearly the end of all this cooking malarkey for me! So gross.

It all came together and I was chuffed! It really didn't take much effort to prepare but it looked like I knew what I was doing!

WHOOOAAAA! Hold the oven door!! I forgot the garlic! I shouldn't be allowed to call myself Greek.

 Muuuuuch better! My apologies in advance to anyone whose direction I breathe into tomorrow.

I tasted a potato at 2 hours. Still crunchy. So gross. At 3 hours the potatoes were perfection but the chicken wasn't as brown as I wanted it to be, so I took the foil off and popped it back in the oven. At 3 hours and 19 minutes (and no change in the colour of the chicken) I told the chicken I can't spend my entire day cooking, I have other things to do you know, and decided to grill the motherfucker. Damn the grill gets hot fast! It must have been a minute and the potatoes were already starting to burn around the edges! I declare this chicken cooked. I've done all I could.

You noticed the missing leg? Super sleuth!

The recipe books fail to mention that you will be left with a whole lot of oil in the pan.

I wasn't sure if that was supposed to stay there (told you I was a newbie!). Friend says chuck it out.

Can I cook after all? The chicken tasted good but was a tad dry. Roast potatoes may very well become my specialty, they were to die for!

Hey Saleslady, you were right. Once I get the timing right this meal is gonna cook itself. Now sell me something else so I can choose what to cook next.